She gripped the shiny rail with shaking hands and vomited thin bile. She did not have the will to go on anymore. She was only sure that she couldn’t return to the supposed home where he used and abused her every single night.
She felt rather than saw the tall man standing in the shadows of the tunnel’s mouth. His features were blurred and indistinct, as if he did not quite exist.
He beckoned and she went, taking his hand. He led her from a world in which she had no place to one where she need never fear again.
Wow! Well done!!
ReplyDeleteMine is here http://swthink.blogspot.com/2012/04/michael.html
This is very good because it draws on fact. So many are lured into darkness, seeing it as a better possibility that what they currently experience. Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/13/friday-fictioneers-3/
I was rather thinking the stranger was a guardian angel come to relieve the heroine's pain. But your version works too. All in the eye of the beholder eh?
ReplyDeleteGreat tale of a rescue and release, Jeffrey! I really liked how she was free from everything. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine:
http://scottcheck.blogspot.com/2012/04/sitting-in-sun-this-weeks-photo-prompt.html
Siobhan
Dear Jeffrey,
ReplyDeleteThat was a sinister take on the prompt and very well written. That tunnel is going to be taking us to many strange places. Yours will be one of the best.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/bermuda-triangle-summer/
I hoped it was going to be a feel good ending, but I suspect that it wasn't. Very compelling piece. Well done.
ReplyDeletehttp://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/a-place-to-die-for-friday-fictioneers-13-april-2012/#comment-1199
Wonderful. I really liked the closing line.
ReplyDeleteMy story is at http://wp.me/p1WuR1-Sn.
Intriguing. Though I wonder why she is not afraid. Sure sent shivers down my spine! Here's mine: http://furiousfictions.com.
ReplyDeleteNicely written. Difficult to decide if whether or not the shadow bloke was a good guy or a bad guy. Interesting no matter what he was.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://rnfontenot.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-fiction-friday-a-grim-grim/
Clever. My take on this was a bad guy taking her to her death, a place without fear, and she went willingly, preferring it to what was waiting for her at home.
ReplyDeletenow i'm going to annoy you, sorry, by editing so you can have more available words and add other details.
ReplyDelete_________________________________________________
Her shaking hands gripped the shiny rail as she vomited thin bile. She lost the will to continue, only sure she'd never return to the house where he used, abused her nightly.
She sensed someone in the shadows of the tunnel’s mouth, tall, blurred and indistinct features, as if he didn't quite exist.
He beckoned. She offered her hand. He led her from a world where she was nothing to one where she need never fear again. __________________________________________
i know i changed your story a tiiiiiny bit, and that's not usually okay. but for me it's fun to edit. now you've got 23 words to add to get up to 100.
as steve said, i see her going off to the next life.
This was really edgy. I liked the understated way you pulled it off. Dark and redeeming. Original.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-a5
For me, the clues are: 'as if he didn't exist' and 'she need never fear again'...so to me, it's her Guardian Angel Spirit, taking her to a better world. Here's mine:
ReplyDeletewww.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
I hope the shadowy figure is a genuine good-guy. I was worried at first that he might be even wrose than her father, and then I was worried that she was dead and he was taking her to "the other side". Maybe I'm just in a worrying mood today! I hope he's leading her to safety.
ReplyDeleteNicely written, we can feel her bitterness and hope.
I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/
Wow. Well done.
ReplyDeleteMine's here
http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-fiction-story-1-for-fridayfictioneers/
Wow is the best word I can think of too. What a great story. So much detail in so few words. I'm jealous.
ReplyDeleteMine: http://shirleymccann.blogspot.com/2012/04/nightmare.html
Very powerful piece in so few words!
ReplyDeleteI am not sure she didn't jump from the pan to the fire, but without knowing the rest of the story, it's hard to say! This is a great hook and I'd definitely keep reading. Hope you're going to develop it more later.
ReplyDelete