Bad night we picked to run off. Darker than a banker’s soul out here and the clouds don’t help none. Daisy’s late and I best get lookin’ for her. Love that woman a powerful lot, but she’s precious little good at gettin’ around in the woods.
Up ahead, moon’s come out a bit, givin’ off just enough light for me to see her. Damn girl done wandered right off the edge of Turner’s Bluff and is layin’ there all broke up and unnatural-lookin’.
I give her cold lips a final kiss and make my way home. No sense runnin’ now.
This is my weekly addition to the Friday Fictioneers Challenge
Dear Jeffrey,
ReplyDelete'Darker than a banker's soul.' Now that's a dark night. loved this story and the matter of factness of your MC. No sense runnin' now.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/last-of-the-first/
I can't tell it any better than Doug above. One of the best similes ever: "darker than a banker's soul"... and the matter of fact down home POV, cruel, but fair...
ReplyDeleteYours, as ever,
Laura
http://fictionvictimtoo.blogspot.com
Terrific voice, and that Banker's soul line is perfect and also really pins the story to a specific time. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI too love the banker's soul line. Yep, as Doug says, so matter of fact. Good job on this.
ReplyDeleteYep, the banker's soul is a good one :)
ReplyDeleteGuess the moon came out that little bit too late...
Ours is 160 words at http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/moon-and-sky
Wow. This is a great story. It creeps me out a bit that he didn't seemed all that broken up about her death.
ReplyDeleteMy attempt: http://authorbrandonscott.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/death-cart/
Well, there goes a practical man I guess. Great voice in this. Well done.
ReplyDeletehttp://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/you-called-friday-fictioneers-may-2012/
has got that unsettling feel to it...nice. here's mine: http://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/friday-fictioneers-then-we-were-one/
ReplyDeleteIt's a little early to call favorites but the use of language and the simple acceptance really hit home. Steinbeck on steroids. Whew!
ReplyDeletehttp://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/stay/
Hi Jeff,
ReplyDeleteFrom the homespun vernacular to the matter-of-fact voice, you tell a sad story in a highly-entertaining way.
Wakefield
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/05/the-good-old-days-friday-fictioneers.html
Great writers voice and pace. I could visualize this piece. Really good! http://jemcogdell.blogspot.com/2012/05/flash-fiction-trust-me.html
ReplyDeleteLoved the dialect that you gave your character. Sad tale for Daisy. I think her lover was in great shock to be soooo practical but it actually lent to the story. Well done.
ReplyDeleteMine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
The dialect is fantastic here and clean throughout. The one thing I would change here is to make a paragraph break when he discovers Daisy's fate. It will act as a pause for the reader instead of a continued train of thought.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, beautifully done!
I agree with Quill that the dialect is very authentic. Story is nicely developed, building to a nice finale.
ReplyDeleteHere's my story: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
I think the laid-back nature of the character's voice makes his actions wholly believable. I'd bet he's got a lot more to tell.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-aJ
Interesting. Read like a monologue of thought. And the darkness of the banker's soul, that's a terribly dark place to be.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/flash-fiction-friday-3/
You set a great tone and it ended in an unexpected way for me. I really enjoyed it! Dark and delicious to read.
ReplyDelete