He had promised her she would understand the full
meaning of liberation and empowerment by the end of the night and she was only
now beginning to believe how enlightened he was in such matters.
She’d never suspected by surrendering her body to the
every sexual whim of another she would, at last, find a strength and a freedom
never imagined before in her experience.
Every nerve ending in her body seemed to have been
electrified and stimulated to the point she found it nigh impossible to focus
her thoughts at all and could only surrender to an orgasmic state of total rapture.
The rough planking of the floor abraded her back and
buttocks…but she didn’t care. The taut muscles of her shoulders and knees
screamed in protest as they were pushed beyond the borders of pain to an
unexplored land of pleasure…but she didn’t care. His thick invasive fingers
plunged in and out of her, fingernails scratching against her inner walls
leaving a burning ache behind and yet…she didn’t care.
This story was written for the weekly Sinful Sunday erotica flash fiction challenge.
I like the build up with the "…but she didn’t care," repeats, but think you might want to mix up your sentence lengths a bit more prior to this. Your sentences are all very long (I know, I know... I can't write short sentences either!), and I think it would build tension better if you followed the first one (I really like the flow of the first) or even two long sentences with a series of short ones, then maybe a long again before the repeated ellipses. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteI also liked the voice and tone of the story right up to "Her only desire was to please him sufficiently that.." and then I felt a little confused because we suddenly shift focus here, which is good in some ways, but in such a short piece maybe there wasn't room to worry about HIS pleasure. Haha.
Hmm. I've never commented on erotica before, so *throws arms in air* I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But writing anything like "If such would, in fact, offend you, I encourage you to read no further," is pretty much guaranteed to make me read on.
Thanks much for the feedback. I played with the sentence length but decided I was happy enough with it. I shifted focus to show she'd reached an understanding that mutual pleasure was an objective to be considered too. Again, thanks for the considered opinions.
ReplyDelete